If you asked me 15 years ago or to be more honest the day before I had my first child (39 1/2 weeks along) if I had the vaguest idea what motherhood meant I would have just smiled and given you a generic answer. I would have laughed in your face if you told me what a day to day life as mom entailed. In our culture, the expectation is to someday be married and have kids, motherhood isn’t a choice! It was barely a year after my husband and I got married that I found out I was pregnant, I was an only child and I was excited to be a mom, most of my friends were already moms… these weren’t the best reasons obviously to bring a child into this world. After all I was only 23, at the height of my career and enrolled full time in college, more importantly, emotionally I was very selfish with the way I felt, my affections, my time.
The day my son was born was life changing, it was a scheduled c-section and the moment I heard him cry was the moment I will remember forever. It was like a key turned and something in me was unlocked. I just heard him, hadn’t seen him yet… my husband briefly left my side so he could cut the umbilical cord and when he returned he saw tears running down my face. He came closer to wipe the tears and whispered to me, ‘he’s beautiful!’
Over the next few days in the hospital and at home, he mentioned to me that I’m a different person, he’s never seen me so affectionate and nurturing before. I took that as a compliment and reveled in the new mom feelings and proudness of my new title as Mom. That new feeling would soon change to anxiety, fatigue, depression, worthlessness, resentment & guilt!
It was months before I realized I was suffering from postpartum depression. I kept this to myself and went back to work, I lost myself and couldn’t do simple things that I used to before. I was constantly crying and had to make lists for daily things and chores. I lived in constant fear that something bad was going to happen to my baby and I couldn’t leave his side.
Life Went On
Eventually, I found help and the strength I needed and did research to help myself. I knew what to look for after my second and third babies. I still struggle with being a mom every day, the thought of bringing 3 brand new people into this world and being responsible for them; teaching them and shaping their future of who they will one day become with no training or unforeseen consequences if I screw this up with one bad decision.
I tell myself that there is no perfect mother or parent, I can’t be a great mom but it won’t stop me from trying… I don’t want my kids to be my friends, I want to give them independence and teach them about God, faith, love, empathy, respect, and hopefully one day they will think of me as great and I would have spent my mom years being judged only by them. The day to day activities that enriches their lives, lessons learned, and how my heart just melts when I see them happy is what makes the struggle of becoming a mom so well worth it.
I’d love to hear your story about becoming a mom, feel free to share in the comments below or comment on our facebook page and if you haven’t checked out our first blog post you can do so Kami’s Debut. As always, if you enjoyed this post I’d love for you to LIKE & Share it on social media.